MV Grumbles
by a mountain of gideon's scones
Summary: Have the characters got anything to say about the way that you, an FF writer, portray them? Do they have any qualms with how you write them? If they do, then read this fic and they will TELL you! R&R 12. Morley. 13. Jason 14. Ysandre. 15. Richard. 16. Magnus.
1. Amelie

_This idea is entirely from Vitzy's same thing on SVM_

_But __**she said I could do it**__!_

_I don't own anything_

**Have you ever considered the characters feelings? How they feel they are portrayed in your fics? Well, here is a chance for the characters to tell you how they feel!**

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_Amelie_

Greetings, humans of this planet

I am writing to discuss the way that you portray me in your little _fanfictions_ – is that the word? _*she is told it is_* yes, that is correct.

I am _most_ horrified by the way that _many_ of you depict me to be this innocent little woman who 'couldn't hurt a fly' and needs protecting by a man, be it Sam or Oliver.

I would like to clarify things: I do _not_ need a man to run my town or to 'help' me. I survived many years without a man and I believe the battles I won solitary show that I am a strong woman in her own right.

Also, _please_ stop making 'romance' fanfictions regarding myself and Oliver. It is a _platonic_ relationship we have; I have no desire to marry him so why would I _kiss_ him? Additionally, we are not courting, so do not have us 'on a date'.

Furthermore, he is _not_ in love with me and never will be this puppy dog that many of you aspiring writers make him out to be. He is dangerous and I despise him.

Whilst I may have had feelings for Samuel, I would _never_ confess them publicly or with such vigorous movements, so any public displays of affection you write about, please _do_ edit them to simply a small, secret smile.

Thank you and I _know_ you shall all pay heed to this warning.

_Amelie_

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_So, who do you want next?_

_Review please_

_Vicky xx_


	2. Myrnin

_I don't own anything_

**_WRITTEN WHILST WATCHING MY WONDERFUL JEREMY KYLE!_**

_**Myrnin**_

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Dear all you _charming_ humans who are rather tasty to eat

You know I am Myrnin, the _scientist_, not Myrnin the therapist who listens to all of Claire's little problems for every single minute of the day. I don't get paid to do that, so why would I let her rant about her 'little problems with Shane-y', or tell me how upset she is about Amelie not wanting to let Michael marry his little Eve?

Speaking of the little girl who is paid to help _me_, not the other way around, I am not in love with her… like that at least! So would you little writers who think you are so special in writing about how I become 'more human' and ask her to marry me please _stop_? Even those of you _not_ writing about marriage, I don't have romantic feelings… I love nobody now.

Furthermore, I am rather annoyed as to the amount of so called 'crackfics' where I am portrayed to be the evil one in the situation: I am _not_ a drunk and I am _not_ going to kiss Oliver, even if drunk! I am also _not_ going to spike Amelie's food with crack or any of the other drugs you young people are so fond of.

All I want to do is to work with science. I do not _care_ about petty humans' issues; I simply want to enjoy blowing things up and making new things to torment Oliver with… the only thing I don't want is for Amelie to be with Oliver.

Someone _please_ assist me by blowing Oliver up somewhere to kill him? If you do that, dear 'fanfickers', I shall forgive you your aforementioned sins.

Love of love

**Myrnin**

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_Who next?_

_Review please_

_Vicky xx_


	3. Shane

_I don't own anything_

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**Shane**

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S'up?

Yano what's up? The fact that _none of you write about me and Claire no more!_

Seriously, dudes, it's all Claire and Myrnin (some of you call this 'Clyrnin' I'm led to believe) and all this McClaire stuff. Let's get this straight: Myrnin is a man whore vampire and Michael is with Eve and not really going to cheat on her with Claire. so get a grip and STOP WRITING IT!

Also, I'm not a drunk. So stop making me cheat on Claire when I'm drunk. I'm not going to cheat on Claire so stop writing that. Especially with _Monica_ – the damned girl killed my sister: why would I sleep with _her_?

Oh yeah and I am not an asshole but neither am I this incredibly sensitive bloke who likes to talk about his feelings… or dies... I seem to have cancer in one story and die. Let me tell you _I am not dead_!

So, yeah, make Shane himself: I like beer, video games, pretending to hate Mike cause he is vamp, chilli and Claire.

If you vary from that, I'm gonna have to come and kick your butts.

Shane

P.s… I hate vampires, so I'm not gonna have a relationship with one or even be _friends_ with one. Just confirming that.

S xxxxx (- and these kisses are for you people who love me_ so that you do as I ask)_

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_Thoughts?_

_Who next?_

_Vicky xx_


	4. Claire

**Claire**

**thanks for the reviews!**

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Dear fanfiction writers

I have a number of issues with your writing.

One is that I am _not_ going to get pregnant at seventeen. Generally when a girl is _midway through her education_, that is _not_ the optimum time to get knocked up and have a sprog.

I don't particularly want a child right now.

The other issue I have is that, unless he dies or something, I don't have plans to either break up with Shane or cheat on him with Michael, Myrnin, Sam (bit hard now, since he is _dead_) and some of you even have me with _Oliver_… EW!

Eve and Michael are happy, to date Myrnin would be to give yourself a death sentence (exhibit a: Ada), Sam is dead but was in love with Amelie and Oliver is so far up his own arse that he wouldn't have time to love me…

So, yeah, don't forget I work in the lab as _well_ as go to university.

Oh, and Bishop isn't going to come back from the dead. Myrnin killed him. So get over yourselves already. Sam isn't going to come back either, Oliver and Myrnin aren't going to become friends, and I'm not going to be best buddies with Amelie.

Oh and Monica is still an evil bitch to me, so don't have us being besties.

The main one, though, is that I'm not going to marry Shane and especially not have a baby.

Yours sincerely

Claire Danvers, 17, and definitely _not_ pregnant, or planning to be in the future.

Ps, I'm not going to be a vampire either, so stop writing that as well.

Pps, I'm not an annoying fangirl with obsessions with tv shows or anything else like that... or Matt Cardle!

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**That hurt me to write. **

**Review please?**

**Vicky xx**


	5. Sam

**I, unfortunately, don't own anything**

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**Sam**

Dear fanfiction authors

Frankly, I'm upset with you all.

There are hardly _any_ of you who write about me.

I get a fleeting mention in some stories, but there are _very_ few that centre around me – and those ones aren't well read!

I have large parts in various stories, none of which I am going to name, yet this is a bi-part to the main pairing of the story, usually ClairexMyrnin.

I want this changing.

Please write about me. I'll teach you lots about English Lit if you want!

Oh yeah, and unfortunately I'm dead. Whilst I wish I'm not, Rachel Caine wanted me dead, but _Amelie still loves me_, not Oliver, so stop having her grief over me be changed to love for that Oliver.

Oh, and whilst I'm a redhead, I'm a cool redhead, so I don't get angry… much.

Don't forget to write about me!

Yours sincerely

Sam Glass

Ps. Someone please get Amelie to come visit me? She hasn't been by recently and I miss her voice.

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_Poor sammy!_

_Please don't fav/alert without reviewing, thank you._

_Vicky xx_


	6. Eve

_Well, you wonderful people who reviewed last chapter, Sam loves you. The rest… you just proved his point _

_I don't own anything_

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_**Eve**_

Dear dudes

I'm _not_ a vamp, last time I checked…and, last time I also checked, I wasn't planning on joining the ranks of the undead.

I mean _ew_!

Who _wants_ to drink blood all day? Not me, that's for sure… and I'd have to go to meetings with _Oliver_! I mean, that's _worse_ than torture… I'd rather die than be a vamp.

I love Michael and all, but I'm not turning into an ice cold bloodsucker just to stay with him forever. I'd probably just get bored of him.

Oh, and I'm not gonna cheat on him with Shane, so stop that guys!

Another point is that I _really_ don't think Amelie and Oliver are together – can you _imagine_ them doing it? :O it'd be icky… ickier than Sam and Amelie, who were sort of cute in a way…

Anyway, yeah, Michael and me TOGETHER! Shane and Claire TOGETHER! Amelie and Oliver APART!... well, actually, I don't really care about them two, so pretend I didn't say anything.

Yeah and we're getting married, not gonna split up, so make sure you mention our wedding!

And I'm GOTH, not prom queen, so I'm not going to have a Cinderella wedding dress or whatever. Black and red, dudes, that's the way forwards for wedding décor!

Got to go, but remember what I've said – or I'll get my vamp bf to come BITE you!

Eve xx

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_Don't fav/alert without reviewing… or read without reviewing_

_Who do you want next?_

_Vicky xx_


	7. Oliver

_I don't own anything_

_Had a lot of requests for Oliver, so here he is!_

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Dear food source

You are possibly the most _annoying_ and idiotic race I have ever seen on this planet. And yes, I include the pigs in this.

You write me to be this bipolar vampire who can be 'happy-go-lucky' one minute and then raging psychopath the next. Let me be clear: the bipolar vampire is Myrnin. I am merely normal.

Furthermore, I want Morganville. I do not have issues getting it in terms of the love I _do_ harbour for Amelie; however, some of you have me being all soppy and declaring my love for her in front of the entire town. Neither of us are particularly fond of public displays of affection and, anyway, my desire for power is stronger than the love I have.

Additionally, I have had brought to my attention that I am passing off as being nearly the same age as Amelie in an apparently very popular 'fanfic'. This is inaccurate, something which ought to be corrected – I recognise that I am much younger than Amelie, not a short amount of hours or so, and that is what makes me better than her: I am as strong as her without one thousand years.

Finally, I have noticed that I have been written as being the object of many people's affections in Morganville when they are under the influence of cocaine. I am not the one that they would go for; they despise me and know that I would kill them if it were not for legalities in Morganville.

When it is mine, they shall get their comeuppance.

Now, go scurry away and do whatever idiots do. I hear that the mud is thick enough to roll in today.

Oliver.

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_Thoughts?_

_Who next?_

_Don't fav/alert without reviewing please._

_Vicky xx_


	8. Michael

_I don't own anything_

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**Michael**

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Hi guys

So, there's a bit of an issue going on in some stories. I don't seem to have my guitar anymore _anywhere_ and I really miss it. Some of your stories are cool, but you don't bother to give me a guitar so I hate them all, period.

Then there's a few discrepancies that I think you should sort out. Firstly, Claire and I aren't going to get together or cheat or anything because I'm marrying Eve, no matter what Amelie or the others say. We're gonna be together forever, so yeah, just get that sorted.

Oh yeah and I'd prefer it if you didn't keep comparing me to my Grandad. He was really cool and all, especially with the way that he sacrificed himself to save Amelie and all of us, but I'm not like him. We can't be compared, but, if I had to say, I'd probably go with vicky199416's opinion on the choice between us.

So that's pretty much it, guys - the guitar issue is my big gripe. I'm not a drunken, violent lout, I don't think I'm planning on adopting any kids anytime soon and I'm not going to cheat on Eve with Claire, Monica or Amelie…or any other girl in town.

Lots of love

**Michael**

Ps…if you could do some sort of deal in a story to make me human again _and_ be with Eve, that'd be epical. If not…thanks anyway.

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_Thoughts? Tried to make him as nice as possible hehe :D_

_Who next?_

_Don't__ fav/alert without reviewing please – or read without reviewing._

_Thanks_

_Vicky xx_


	9. Bishop

_I don't own anything_

_I felt bad for leaving it so long last time between updates, so have another one._

_I've also been informed by someone that there is another version of this story out there, with many phrases lifted near directly from this fic. Know that this is the original and that I'm proud of it – if people feel the need to steal my writing, that's their problem – but when it's getting down to entire sections coming out, it's ridiculous._

_Anyway, rant over._

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_**Bishop**_

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Must I write this letter to _humans_? *he is told he must*

Very well, I shall be concise with this..._letter_.

Most unfortunately for myself, I am dead. That fool Myrnin killed me due to my own stupidity in believing he wouldn't, and he did.

I don't believe I have any plans to return from the dead and the only reason I shall 'miss' humans is for their delectable blood.

I have never been romantic and have no interest in Amelie as my daughter – she is a disgrace and became that way when she sided with the fool over me.

That is all.

With the greatest pleasure to be leaving

Bishop.

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_Got a couple more lined up definitely for the next few! :D_

_Don't__ fav/alert without reviewing please & thanks._

_Vicky xx_


	10. Monica

_Sorry for not updating for a while_

_**I don't own anything**_

_Monica:_

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Oh dear lord, what are you _wearing_?

Right, so, losers, here's the deal. You're people who _still_ don't know how to write and most likely wear really bad clothes, whilst I'm the hottest girl in the world. (as that Amelie chick needs to sort her wardrobe out).

So, you write about me, I don't beat you up or throw you down the stairs.

Right, but I'm grumbling and fed up of politics. So yeah, I'm not planning on teaming up with Claire and the others even if there _are_ some crazy monsters after us.

I'm not planning on having a change of heart and joining with _anyone_ who is associated with that retard Claire.

Karma _aint_ gonna bite me in the butt cause, guess what? I'm perfect and there's no way you could make me better.

_**But**__,_ I _would_ date that Collins dude. He's a prick, but he's a _hot_ prick. So sort out the lack of fics including _me_ as the main character and get us together.

I don't give a crap about Claire and Shane, so just bundle her off with the vamp dude who has the hots for her and cut out Shane's voicebox, so I can just admire the beauty of him.

For a while, anyway.

Gotta scram; my gold card is burning a hole in my pocket.

_Ciao_, losers!

Monica.

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_Who else?_

_Don't__ fav/alert without reviewing please & thanks._

_Vicky xx_


	11. Everyone

_Sorry for not updating for a while_

_**I don't own anything**_

_credit for the style of this one is **entirely** to Vitzy; it's inspired from her SVM version of all the characters grumbling._

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_Everyone_

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_Dear fanfiction writers_

Amelie: so, we've noticed a…_growing trend_ in-

Myrnin: everyone is being weird and writing "character read the books" stories.

*Amelie shoots him a look*

Amelie: that was _my_ line, you _fool_!

*Myrnin looks like he wants to cry*

Oliver: you're all incredibly stupid, especially when there are stories that are entire duplicates of others.

Claire: and they're really, _really_ boring. I mean, I don't want to be reading about how I realise I love Shane, do I?

Eve: or remember how Michael was a ghost and then _Frank tried to kill him again_.

Amelie: our unanimous point is: we hate them. They're uncharacteristic of us all, with many of us not being written properly-

Claire: and nobody can use proper grammar!

*Amelie shoots her a death stare*

Amelie: there are things called _betas_. I would use them, if you are unable to learn the difference between **your** and **you're**, for example.

Shane: this is bugging me, being so close to Myrnin. Let's leave.

_Sincerely_

_Some of the Morganville Vampires characters_

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_Who else?_

_Don't__ fav/alert without reviewing please & thanks._

_Vicky xx_


	12. Morley

**Morley**

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Greetings, humans

I have no desire to be in this town. It is a hovel, where I am forced to live, and I'm _much_ better equipped to rule than Amelie.

So I'm leaving. I'm off to Blacke to rule there, and no, I don't wear Amelie's clothes, no matter what people have said about me. I blame Oliver and Myrnin for that.

My grumble to you is the fact that I am absolutely _nothing_ to you people, other than a parasitic worm who "Stabs people in the back" apparently.

Either write about me _correctly_, or I will throw you into the pit where I have resided for the last few years.

And no_, there are no dresses or skirts_! Stop asking me this!

Sincerely

Morley

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_don't favourite/alert without reviewing, please and thanks!_

_Vicky xx_


	13. Jason

**Ok, so this one is a little different. Because of the whole "no-chapters-as-just-AN's" rule, I've decided to put the author (me) grumbles alongside the Jason one, because so many people asked for him.**

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_Jason:_

S'up?

I don't really see why you all hate me so much. I mean, I never actually _killed_ anyone, did I? Just because I liked to take drugs, and tried to kill my sister, and then _helped_ Dean (I never hurt anyone) you all think I'm completely crazy.

I am a bit. Obviously I am; I want to be a vampire, and that's not exactly the path most humans go down. But the thing is that, because you're all of the opinion I'm crazy, you all make me a raving lunatic.

I aren't going to kidnap Claire or anyone like that, or even kill anyone in that house, because that's suicide; the Founder may no longer be happy with them, but they're still Protected.

So yeah, stop making me quite so crazy, and allow me a little bit of happiness, yeah?

Cheers

Jason

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_Me:_

So, one thing that annoys me about this fandom is the clichés; yeah, yeah, I know there are only so many ways to write pairings, but does _every_ story I click onto have to be either about Claire and Shane having a baby, or, now, the whole "Claire breaks up with Shane and Myrnin supports her"? I write far too many ClaireMyrnin stories, but I at least try and get a bit of variety in how they get together into the story.

Secondly, grammar and spelling – is it _that_ hard to use spellcheck, or to get a beta to read through your story, if you're not confident with your grammar and spelling? I click onto stories and see 'I' as just a regular i, which annoys me to no end…and the **your/you're, they're/their** thing just annoys me beyond belief.

Thirdly, reviews: I write, a lot, for this fandom, and it's really annoying when you get loads of reviews on earlier chapters, and then new ones get maybe two or three. I don't just spew out the words in about three seconds; it takes a while, now, to write the chapters, and I do write rather than do some things which, probably, I should do. (Homework) it's not hard to leave a quick review, so why not do it?

And that's about it, because I think you'll think I'm a bitch now, for saying this, but it's my opinion. And if things don't start to improve, particularly with favourites/alerts without reviews and the whole **NO REVIEWING THING** (as most of my reviews are from my friends on this site), then I'll just delete most of my stories and return to HP fanfiction.

Vicky

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**An:** Please don't favourite or alert without reviewing & feel free to request a character.


	14. Ysandre

**Ysandre**

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*pouts and fluffs her hair over her shoulder*

I say hello to my possible future meals; I would like to begin this letter by informing you that I am dismayed so few of you appreciate my attempts to share a sexual relationship with Shane Collins. We would be _fine_ together, if y'all asked me.

More than that, I despair over the fact that I disappear after Bishop's capture, besides for a brief cameo in Ghost Town, yet then I am written about in _nobody's_ fanfiction? You have a scope of many months to potentially cover, and yet you deign to write about little Shane and his little, human girlfriend.

If you could give me the boy in a room for _one_ hour, I would appreciate it most greatly…even from _humans_. If that is impossible, three humans would do nicely—Amelie doesn't exactly feed me well.

(And write about me…but don't forget to use your imagination and remember just _how_ curvy I am.)

*winks and blows a kiss*

Ysandre

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Please don't favourite or alert without reviewing.

Feel free to comment who you want to appear soon!


	15. Richard

This one's for MyrninsBitch

& Flora, yes, Ysandre is dead, but this is sort of an AU story set—when I wrote the Amelie and Oliver ones, they were pre-their kiss in Last Breath, so it's just how I characterised them. She died in book 9, and nothing is said about Francois.

**Richard**

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I'm knackered, so let's keep this short.

First off, my name is _Richard_—that doesn't mean you can call me Dick or Rich or Dickhead, as some members of this town refer to me as (Collins, I'm after you) and it doesn't mean that you can be all pally, either.

If I had the choice, I wouldn't be here either; I'm just trying to make the best out of a bad situation. So remember that the next time you pour honey all over me, just so that the flies will attack.

Oh, and whilst I don't like the vampires particularly, Amelie's not bad; she'll look out for our interests. So stop the assassination attempts; I didn't get sleep for eighty four hours the other week because there was the threat that someone would try and dismantle her house and then spear her through the head.

That was _not_ fun.

Right, my coffee's here, so just remember to behave, do as you're told and don't call me anything other than Richard, or Mayor Morrell.

Richard

PS. Yes, Hannah and I are in a relationship but keep it quiet; we don't want the idiots in town knowing. Or my sister—she'd think she could get away with more than she already does.

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Feel free to request some other people-it's running to the end of its course now, though"

& please don't favourite or alert without reviewing, thank you.


	16. Magnus

**Magnus**

Dear humans

I have no interest in you. You are nothing compared to the vampires, for sustaining me and my kin; unless every vampire in the world dies—and allow me to assure you that that shall not happen—then you mean nothing to me.

Though, if you get in my way, I shall kill you: the Danvers girl is proof of that.

I would appreciate it if you could understand my viewpoint; I have to sustain my kind, and you allow the vampires to eat _you_…isn't it better for you to have something that feeds on them, rather than them being the top of the food chain?

Whilst I do not particularly care what you do, it would be lovely to see if you know how to write, and include me in one of these stories on this site, and portray me in a better light than I appear to be shown in.

Magnus

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This is the final one here!

I decided that there is no point in me completing extremely minor characters, for I wouldn't be able to say much, so thank you very much for reading this story-it's another one crossed off my list to update!

This last time, it'd be appreciated if you didn't favourite without reviewing, and if you enjoyed this story, it'd be cool if you r&r'd some of my other work!

Thanks!

-blurs of red and blonde.


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